


I can't pretend it's not the end

by MoonchildMalec



Category: Shadowhunters, Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Malec, Not Canon Compliant, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-10 09:56:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11689263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonchildMalec/pseuds/MoonchildMalec
Summary: Following the events of 2.18, Alec finds himself drinking on the rooftop of the Institute, contemplating how everything in his life went wrong in such a short amount of time. Dark thoughts ensue, and he realises that he will never be enough.





	I can't pretend it's not the end

**Author's Note:**

> No more wide eyes  
> It's not the end  
> It's not the end  
> No morning cries  
> I can't pretend it's not the end

“Nothing was as devastating as seeing you standing on that ledge.”

“It was the magic, I would never. Never.”

“I know, but magic can’t create fears.”

 

A conversation from long ago floated through Alec’s mind. It had been after Max’s party, when Magnus had confessed seeing Alec on that ledge had scared the shit out of him. Alec smiled at the irony of it, feeling the cool night breeze against his face.

Magnus had been right, when he said that magic couldn’t create fears. Alec had always been terrified that he wouldn’t be enough, enough for his family or enough for any potential lovers, terrified that even his best would never be enough. Today had confirmed all his fears.

Almost losing Max, and then definitely losing Magnus had sent Alec’s brain into a tailspin of shock, guilt, fear and anguish. That was the only word he could think to describe it – _pure anguish_.

He’d done what he always did and had tried to work it off, going at the punching bags, treadmills and targets for hours until his muscles protested loudly and his legs almost gave out. When that hadn’t helped, he’d raided the Institute’s fridge for beer and sought refuge where no one would think to look for him – on the roof of the Institute.

He was on his seventh beer, a significant amount of alcohol for someone who doesn’t drink on a regular basis, when he fished his phone out his back pocket. He flicked through his contacts until he got to Magnus’ name. He let his thumb hover over the call button, before deciding against it and locking his phone again, placing it next to him on the slightly slanted roof. It’s not like Magnus would want to talk to him anyway, he’d made that pretty clear.

Alec knocked back beer after beer as the moon moved across the sky, the stars realigning with it, shifting into constellations Alec no longer recognised. Sometime in the early hours of the morning, his phone beeped. The last remaining bit of hope in him flared up, the tiny voice in his head chanting “maybe it’s Magnus”. As he fumbled with his phone, squinting at the bright light after hours of darkness, he slowly began to make out a message from Jace.

“You OK buddy? I haven’t seen you in a while, I checked your room but you weren’t there. If you want to, you know, talk, or something. I’m here.”

Alec’s heart sank in his chest, and he dropped his phone without bothering to reply. It skidded down the slanted roof, now slick with dew, and tipped over the edge. Alec could hear the clatter and faint crash as it landed on the ground, hundreds of feet below. He muttered a quiet “fuck” as he carefully slid closer to the edge, to peer at the remnants of his phone.

Somehow, that was the final straw, the last string that broke. He started crying, and once he’d started, he couldn’t stop. Soon he was hiccoughing quietly, trying to bite back the tears. He was just so _done_ , and once he stood up on the ledge and peered down, he could see the appeal. The wind cut him with its icy bite, made the tears littering his cheeks feel like tiny icicles, and Alec was just so terribly _done._ He’d failed to keep his little brother safe, and it was clear he would never be enough for Magnus. To think he thought he’d get to spend the rest of his life with someone that beautiful. Alec started laughing at the thought, while wiping fresh tears from his face.

He looked out over the city he had learnt to call home, and thought of his actual home in Idris. With the moonlight reflecting off the skyscrapers of Manhattan, he could almost pretend he was back in Alicante. Then again, New York hadn’t been all bad. It had brought him Jace. _Jace._ **  
** Alec swayed on the ledge.

 

Down below in the Institute, Jace suddenly came crashing into Izzy’s room, clutching his left shoulder.

“IZZY, Izzy wake up! Something’s wrong with Alec, I can feel it” he gasped while clutching his shoulder ever tighter. “Have you seen him?”

Izzy, who had clearly been sleeping up until a second ago, bolted upright and immediately started to look for clothes to throw on. “Alec? Wrong, wrong how? I haven’t seen him, but someone in the Institute probably has, otherwise we’ll have to track him.”

“Izzy, it _hurts_ ,” Jace let the statement sink in, and could see Izzy grow pale with worry.

They were out the door in a flurry, running as if their lives depended on it, and had just made it to the lower levels of the Institute when they heard a scream coming from outside.

For a second they stopped and looked at each other, it was as if time stood still, when they both at once realised that the scream could only mean one thing.

They rounded the corner outside of the Institute and were met with what appeared to be Maryse, hunched over a sprawling, dark shape on the ground, whispering soothing words and attempting to claw at the lump.

“It’s going to be okay, baby, my baby boy,” she slurred as she attempted to get to Alec’s skin, “Oh, what have you done?”

Jace reached Alec first and whipped out his stele, drawing Iratze after Iratze on Alec’s cooling skin, getting frustrated when it wasn’t working. “Parabatai runes are supposed to be powerful,” he pounded the damp ground next to him and went back to work with renewed fervour, “Izzy, you need to call Magnus. NOW.”

Maryse had moved over to let Jace work, realising he had a bigger chance of succeeding, seeing as Parabatai runes were indeed supposed to be more powerful than runes given to you by others. She was stroking Alec’s limp hand, stroking the tousled hair out of his eyes, kissing his forehead.

“Magnus? Magnus it’s Alec,” Izzy almost shouted into her phone, “You need to come to the institute, please, Magnus. We’re outside, by the west wing.”

Just as Izzy hung up the phone, Jace felt it. He felt the Parabatai bond _snap_ , and it hurt worse than anything ever had in his life. He didn’t need to check Alec’s breathing to know that he was dead.

As his frantic scribbling of Iratzes jarred to a halt, Maryse and Izzy immediately froze. The air was still, everything was quiet, all they could hear was the sound of three people breathing in shock.

That’s how Magnus found them as he stepped out of the portal, all still standing or sitting stock still. Izzy had tears rolling down her cheeks, Jace and Maryse looked glassy-eyed as well, but what really got to him was Alec.

He was sprawled on the ground, his legs and arms pointing in awkward angles, a pool of blood seeping from his pretty head. His hazel eyes were staring unseeingly into the void, his beautiful hair was matted with blood and the runes slowly fading from his smooth skin.

“No. No no no no no, Alec, darling,” Magnus breathed out almost inaudibly as his knees buckled, and he ended up on the ground next to Alec, stroking trembling fingers over cheekbones, trying in vain to let his dancing blue sparks bring Alec back to life. He looked up at Jace and Izzy with wide eyes.

“He’s gone. He’s…” for such a powerful Warlock, Magnus looked downright pitiful as tears started cascading down his cheeks.

 

Three days later, Alec’s body was wrapped in white and burned, the ashes to become part of the City of Bones. Jace, Izzy and Max were all huddled together for comfort, Izzy opting to bury her face in Jace’s chest when the tears threatened to drown her, Max holding her hand in a vice grip. Robert and Maryse, despite their differences and impending divorce, also seemed to seek comfort in each other. None of them could believe Alec was really gone.

The funeral was well-attended, Magnus was told, since he hadn’t been allowed to attend the funeral himself. He’d gotten to see Alec’s body before, and was sat on the stone steps of the Institute during the funeral, clutching the omamori tightly. His eyes shone bright in the setting sun, cat eyes ablaze with emotions. He never did seem to be able to control their appearance when he got too emotional.

He struggled to bite back the tears burning in his eyes, but in the end he couldn’t keep himself from crying.

“I’m so sorry, Alexander. I failed you,” he whispered, and kissed the omamori.


End file.
